Friday, March 4, 2011

Dark Night of the Soul

I had lunch with my dear friend Lindsey, a devoted Christian. I spilled my guts to her, the first time I've told any of my Christian friends what I've been going through. Afterwards I felt awful. Here's what I emailed her:


Regarding me and my dark night of the soul... in answer to your questions... I'm bummed because I feel like I said too much and spoke as if I knew what I was talking about. I don't. I'm struggling and feeling my way. Yes, talking about it both stirred up my pain and surprised me at the things that came out of me! Somehow by talking about it, my struggle becomes more real. 

However, I'm comforted by great Christians throughout history, including Mother Teresa, who have spent years in the "dark night" and felt keenly the absence of God. I know I'm not alone. 

I'm not ready to say I've "lost my faith" and I'm not in a place where I'd say I'm not a Christian or don't believe in God or Jesus. It's much more nuanced than that. So it's probably best I keep quiet about it, since when I try to put words on it, it comes out sounding all heretical and everything.

I mean, I might indeed be a heretic but I'm not ready to be labeled as one.

Aarrgghh.  Thanks for listening.

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