Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Every Relationship Matters

Today I’ve been thinking about the idea that every significant relationship we have is REAL. It lasts. It stays with us forever. Even if it happened when we were young. Even if it was brief.

When you share yourself with someone in an intense way, especially if it includes sexual intimacy, it be-comes part of who you are. There is a connection there that can never be broken. Not by distance, not by absence, not by the passage of time.

The relationship lives on…in hearts, in minds, in the back of a subconscious. In fleeting memories. In songs, in scents. In the touch of a hand. Or an unexpected email in your inbox.

How foolish I’ve been to think the past stays in the past.

It seems like this is a piece of information someone might have wanted to tell me along the way! That everything I do matters. That how I treat people is important. That the pieces of myself I give away are permanently gone—they live with the other person now. That maybe I shouldn’t treat life so casually, maybe I shouldn’t assume that my presence in someone else’s life is inconsequential.

Everything matters. Each minute has the potential to last forever! We never know the precise moments another person holds in their heart We may not know which snapshots live on in their memory. So all the moments we spend with another are precious. They’re sacred.

How could I not have known this?

Friday, March 4, 2011

Dark Night of the Soul

I had lunch with my dear friend Lindsey, a devoted Christian. I spilled my guts to her, the first time I've told any of my Christian friends what I've been going through. Afterwards I felt awful. Here's what I emailed her:


Regarding me and my dark night of the soul... in answer to your questions... I'm bummed because I feel like I said too much and spoke as if I knew what I was talking about. I don't. I'm struggling and feeling my way. Yes, talking about it both stirred up my pain and surprised me at the things that came out of me! Somehow by talking about it, my struggle becomes more real. 

However, I'm comforted by great Christians throughout history, including Mother Teresa, who have spent years in the "dark night" and felt keenly the absence of God. I know I'm not alone. 

I'm not ready to say I've "lost my faith" and I'm not in a place where I'd say I'm not a Christian or don't believe in God or Jesus. It's much more nuanced than that. So it's probably best I keep quiet about it, since when I try to put words on it, it comes out sounding all heretical and everything.

I mean, I might indeed be a heretic but I'm not ready to be labeled as one.

Aarrgghh.  Thanks for listening.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Sometimes I Don't Like This Journey

As I continue slogging through this journey, I find myself desperately wishing I could still believe in a personified God. But I can't.

I've been telling myself "Just drink the Kool Aid." Life would be easier, I'd be in the club. I'd know what to do with doubt and fear and anger and failure... just give it to God!

I still believe there is "more." A force? The "universe" as they say in New Age. But the personified God of the bible is no more real that Zeus or Athena or Ganesha. I am really trying hard to understand it all metaphorically but so far I can't separate myself from Christianity's literalism.