Sunday, April 24, 2011

Losing Easter

So tomorrow's Easter, and can I just say how different everything looks and feels now that I've admitted to myself that I don't place much stock in the resurrection.

How heretical of me.

Someday I may find value in all these stories and be able to find wisdom and comfort in their metaphori-cal truths, but I'm telling you, it holds no appeal for me right now.

I am really far gone and it scary, painful, agonizing. But very nice to have Sunday mornings free!

It was such a short time ago that Easter meant so much to me. I remember several years, recently, when i felt it necessary to go to an additional (more liturgical) church service by myself, since our non-denominational evangelical service just wasn't enough for me.

And now I could care less! I really feel deeply the loss of the tethering, the loss of something to give this life ultimate meaning. Most of the time I honestly believe there is no ultimate meaning and while it scares the daylights out of me, it also feels true. It makes it so much more urgent to get this life "right" because this may be all there is!

Being in this place - not having any overall higher meaning to cling to - helps me understand humankind's need, throughout our history, to create religion. To create meaning. To create stories about life and death and beyond. Because it is just too horrifying to think that this is it.

And yet Iive in that horrifying place.

I've learned something good from the neo-atheists, about being okay without a belief in God or heaven. But still, I'm not all the way there. It's hard.
So... happy Easter.

I made Easter baskets for the girls, but other than that, we have no plans! Feels kind of lonely when eve-ryone else in the world (or at least our stinkin' Christian town) will be dressing up for church and Sunday brunch!

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